I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
