I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
