hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
