I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
