I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
