i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
