in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize