i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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