Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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