Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just cropdusted the office
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
