I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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