just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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