Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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