why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
