If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
