Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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