You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
