you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
