Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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