I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
