That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
