Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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