If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
