yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
