They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
