none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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