i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
