i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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