how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
