That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
