I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
