We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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