I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
