i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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