Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
