I accidentally burped into my bong.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
