i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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