too bad you live with your parents still
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
