Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
