My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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