all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
