Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
