I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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