He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
