the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
