My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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