so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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