I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
