Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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