Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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