Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
