Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
