Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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