There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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