white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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