Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
