the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
